This morning
I watched as a friend, surrounded by numerous loved ones, said goodbye to her
daughter today… We’re not supposed to outlive our children.
The first
regret I can remember clearly was as a parent. My eldest daughter had just
arrived and I was obstinate, stubborn, and tenacious about using cloth diapers.
To this day I cannot recall my reasoning, but something had convinced me and I
was fixed on doing it. The ladies I worked with at the time even bought me a
few months of diaper service! I had taken so much time off prior to her arrival
that I had to go back to work when she was only four weeks old. So, once I
started juggling work, a newborn, and trying to keep up on laundry after the diaper
service had stopped, I realized it wasn’t going to work. I felt like a failure
having to go to disposable diapers. Years later I realized how silly it was for
me to feel that way over something we see now as trivial. But when we’re right
in the middle of a situation, quest, or mission, it’s difficult to see the forest
for the trees. It tends to feel like your whole world is falling apart. For me,
having lost my mother to cancer at an early age of 14, being a good mother was
extremely important. The fact I had to work and leave my new baby in the care
of others for over eight hours a day began my collection of regrets as a
parent. As each sense of failure occurred the collection got bigger and bigger,
and heavier and heavier.
Now here’s
where I become really transparent. A deeper regret I have experienced on
numerous occasions is something along the story line of the song, “Cats in the
Cradle.” I have often felt regret that due to my life circumstances, and as a
result many choices, I wasn’t able to do better as a mother for my girls.
Looking back I realize I wasn’t a horrible mother, but I wish I would have
played and just hung out more. I couldn’t love them more, though.
The way I
see it, there are two ways to respond to regret. I could continue to allow the
pain of what was lost to continue to build up and weigh me down. OR, I could be
very thankful that I still have an opportunity to not necessarily make up for
it – because we can never go back… but forget “those things which are behind
and (reach) forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal
for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians
3:13-14). The second part of the “or” is that we use those times which can
cause regret to become better – whether it is to apologize to those we’ve hurt
or done wrong, improve our reactions to situations which can cause regret, or
knowing our days on earth are numbered we make good use of the time we have
with those we love and care about.
I get it
now. It’s about relationships. But it took time to get it. As a new, young,
inexperienced mother, I thought things like using cloth diapers and other such idiosyncrasies
would make me a good mom. Humorously, having all four of my girls by the time I
was 25 years old caused the peculiarities to continue. Although we did have our
special moments we’ll always remember and cherish. And I made sure to emphasize
the fact mom and dad won’t always be around, and friends will come and go, so
they should always stay close and be there for one another, which they do.
Each moment
of our lives and how we choose to respond to it, builds our character into who
we become. If we truly believe that “all things work together for good to those
who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” (Romans
8:28), then how can we hold onto regret? Let it go!
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